SillyGrrl (a message board about ME)

2003-10-03T21:53:00.000-04:00

I am supose to put a subject but I don't know what to put. I am tired and trying, but now I am off from work until Next Friday! (That's good) and I'm going out with CT and Mouse tomorrow (haven't met mouse but am excited to do so). I can't wait to go out and have ...dare i say it... fun. I am helping with some plumbing issues (i get to play gopher). And Jury duty SUCKED. I did nothing but sit in a room and watch 1 bad movie and most of a good one. I could have spent that day sleeping instead and I would have considered it more productive. Oh well.

On a seperate note I've decided to use this as my main site. Copying all this from here to the blogger was getting a lil frustrating, so this will be the last thing I'm copying and those who read my blogger can just check here. I'm not sure if it will be permanent or not. Guess we'll have to wait and see how things work for me. CT please change the linkie for my site from your page if it's no troubles and thanks.

Well talk to you later, still feeling a bit off. Like I'm empty on the inside, like I have a whirling vortex sucking my... hmm sounds like time for a poem

2003-10-01T21:03:00.000-04:00

From Wed:
It started out so so. Well okay lets be honest. I had a 3 am wake up call. That sucked. Why? Cause Mary is going insane and she was moved today so she was off. I was (rudely) awaken to her banging on the door because she just didn't understand she was moving today not last night...

It was the first time I had been actually asleep in months...

Then she had to go, that was too bad, but in Spanish I was nodding off so i got some hot cocoa and then... I spilled hot cocoa all over my note book. I had to clean it with my jacket... everything (including me) was sticky. *Sighs*

I went back and actually started to have a better day, packed my stuff, got lunch and came home. Ate my lunch talking with mom... I came up to straighten up my room... and she came and helped. No bitching just us talking and cleaning stuff up (her putting boxes away to be recycled) it was... nice... Then I move my stuff in and start to put it away and try to use my puter and find I have a virus. It boots me when i log on line after like 5 minutes. I try to get the patch to fix it and it won't let me it disconnects me right before. So I go get dinner for me and mom and we have a nice time... then I try to get the patch off her computer. It downloads fine (AOhelL gives me some shit but i live). But her cd burner eats 3 cds. Well I end up walking around the block to my aunt's and burn it there talking to her some (which was nice). I come back, fix the virus (ya) and then try to get my earthlink to work (changing to get the accelerator). It changes but screws up my e-mail for a bit and my aim gets wonky and everything starts to collapse.

So I get frantic and miserable and Markers helps. The accelerator thingie is working (making that worth while) and I'm calming down now. I'm gonna fix fur tomorrow after class (don't wanna chance another bad thing tonight). Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Today:
i don't want to go to jury duty. i want to stay home. i don't want to go to work, but it's the last day and then i'm off for a while. (THANK GOD). I was so upset last night, but I never had a chance to write. I wrote two thus far today. maybe more later we'll see. i probably won't be around tomorrow... (work) but I'll be around past that!

I really think i'm gonna switch to my deviant page only... i gotta ask crystal tear what she thinks... hmm
later!
sillygrrl

2003-09-29T11:41:00.000-04:00

Hi All,

Okay so my body burns, my eyes burn and I want to curl up and go to sleep but can't. Well I could but nothing would be done and I have too much to do. Maybe if I finish packing the stuff up fast I can take a nap before Sally gets here. I just hope she doesn't get here too late. I can't be dealing with her into the hours of the night... *sighs* At least I can go home tomorrow. Maybe I can have this weekend off. I desperately need it. DESPERATELY!!! I need something to be relaxing. If only for a day or two.

Sillygrrl

2003-09-28T11:39:00.000-04:00

<<>>???What Kind Of Angel R You???<<>>( NEW!!! Anime Pics )
brought to you by Quizilla

That was from yesterday but right now I'm on a PROCRASTINATION BREAK. I just did the Spanish take home test for Tues, (Crystal Tear - I think I got it all okay but 1 word... we have to go over it tomorrow... do you wanna do it on line or on the phone? msg/call me) but I still have to do my calculus homework (which includes the review sheet (iow practice test....) and I should make up a study sheet, but I don't want to do it. Then I have to go to the store, get more boxes to pack up Mary for the big move Tuesday. (ya not like I have anything else going on in my life). SO my schedule is as follows (for my sanity and those of you who might care):
Today: Homework, Store to get boxes, Packing
Monday: Calc (class/review), Work (packing up mary and me)
Tues: Spanish (hand in take home test); mary moves, i move home (ya), STUDY FOR FIRST CALC TEST
Wed: FIRST CALC TEST (>.<), try to reorganize my life AND depending on weather yard work (bushes)
Thurs: JURY DUTY!!! (>.<) and shore?

I'm trying to get the weekend off desperately (I've been working [Living at work] since August 3rd... I want some time w/o thinking or worrying about Mary or life or anything but relaxing and I know I won't have any homework next weekend (cause of the test) and maybe I can try to fake a social life (Crystal Tear - Wanna go to the mall and/or movies next weekend if i can swing off) and rest some cause I'm burning out completely. (and again I say >.<)

Sillygrrl

2003-09-27T18:23:00.000-04:00

Depressed and miserable. Trying to get better, feeling like i'm getting worse. Though I did just join DeviantArt. I like that. My handle is Sillygrrl (go figure) and my page is HERE. I started writing poetry again. It's been gone for a while. This page has a great copywrite thing so I feel better there now. Guess that's it.

Sillygrrl

2003-09-26T15:46:00.000-04:00

Too tired, I did too much today. I went and exercised, then cut up down limbs, mowed the lawn came back and showered and am now running around here for a bit to get Mary ready to move. Feeling tired and getting slightly burned out. I need some me time.

sillygrrl

2003-09-25T11:26:00.000-04:00

Ah decisions are hard and sometimes they hurt. This was no different. Those who it effects know about it. Those that don't have no need to worry about it. I will live and survive. Isn't that all anyone wants anyways.

sillygrrl

oh and i still feel sick and i'm stressed to the point of snapping. i need a full ME day and i don't see one in the near future. >.<

2003-09-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

-someday i will
someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it all right
But not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
Some day, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right
But not right now
I know you're wondering when
~Someday by Nickelback

I think that's how I am right now. I think people are making assumptions with me and I'm not fond of it. I'm trying to fix my life the way I want it... and it's not easy and I'm still trying to figure things out along the way, but I'll take care of it. I want people to stop freaking and let me do it... I don't want to be pushed and pulled into decisions. I can make them myself and if I can't I have friends who I can ask for help. I don't want people assuming they know what I need when in reality it's just them seeing how I can fill a need of their own. Just because I am hesitant to say no doesn't mean I said yes and no one should assume it does! ASSuming is only done by ASSes anyway. I want things comfortable and right, no more... no less. I'll do it... just let me... give me time and space and I'll do it.

sillygrrl

2003-09-23T12:20:00.000-04:00

Not feeling too good. Head bothering me, body aching, tired beyond belief.... >.<

Getting the first spanish test on Thursday, and I don't want that... I want naps... ya naps

2003-09-22T12:43:00.000-04:00

Kiddies,

Why is it I am realisitic (some may call it pessimistic but they are wrong) and yet I still believe people when they say they care? Yet again I was burned by kind words and a desire to have them be real. I really should guard my feelings more because as they are right now they drive me wild. I let myself get drawn in and I just get burned... I should count my blessings for the friends I do have and just be careful of people offering me the stars they are out of reach and maybe deserve to be that way.

Sillygrrl

2003-09-21T12:57:00.000-04:00

Kiddies,

So here we are again. I was looking around a bit yesterday and came upon a quote that is appropriate for me by one of my favorite comedians. I had heard it before, but when I saw it again I just couldn't help but smile:

Life sucks. Get a f-cking helmet, okay?
~Denis Leary

I think I need to find my helmet.

Sillygrrl

2003-09-20T13:17:00.000-04:00

hmm... things to say... lets see.

i am in pain. My back is bothering me, at least in certain positions and what not, which is bad. I am not happy about it in the least. >.< I'm gonna have to go lay down again soon. *sighs* maybe start icing it again.

I am thinking about switching from big planet to earthlink to get the accelerator program. It's supose to work dial up only 5 times faster. Now I know everyone goes why not get cable or dsl. Well, dsl isn't in my area and as far as cable goes it is almost impossible. We don't have cable in the house so it would be over 50 a month for just the internet AND the house isn't cable ready... It seems that earthlink is the only possibility right now unless dsl comes in the area and it hasn't made it here in 2 years yet so I'm not about to start holding my breath for it.

Last night was long. I freaked out 0b but I think it's better. I had problems sleeping cause of the back and my head is now hurting. I almost forgot to take my claritin, but I remembered and the snufflies are clearing up some. I have a lot on my plate. I just hope everything stays okay.

sillygrrl

2003-09-19T14:45:00.000-04:00

i am tired and doing laundry. yesterday was a long long day. i have really been out of sorts yesterday and today. (Though I did sit down and start going through the joke book from lil bro finally. i will even try to sit down and watch the movies tomorrow i think)

i am coming to cross roads in my life. i have to find a purpose and a focus. A reason for all i do. I think I've been missing that. I think that is what I need. That and some happy meds. I look to the future and see nothing. No focus and my desires are limited...

I have to make a list... things I want to do and start doing them. I have a few things on the list...

I want to go shooting.
I want to get my cartiledge pierced with hoops
I THINK I want to get a tattoo
I want my own place
I want to take a major road trip

I need to make the list longer. A lot longer... with a job desire and stuff too

Sillygrrl

2003-09-17T14:03:00.000-04:00

I was tired this morning, but am feeling okay. I am getting a little worried about the storm. That we'll lose power or cable. >.< that would mean no computer!!! It would be horrible! I just have to hope it won't hit us bad. I just hope it'll be okay. Not much to say today.

2003-09-16T11:08:00.001-04:00

*scream in frustration*

So you get up (even though you don't want to) and despite your better judgement go to school only to find out... the power is still out from the day before and the teacher keeps you for 15 minutes talking about Roman Catholics in regards to Spain (as if that mattered to you) and you couldn't get breakfast before it like you normally do cause are you really gonna count on cream cheese out of the fridge for 24 hours. My day has to get better than that >.< The only saving grace was I got to spend the time with Crystal Tear and she's my pal so we made the best of it.

Oh, and don't ask about sleeping... it just hasn't been my friend for the last two days... correction Mary hasn't been my friend and has woken me up the last two days... >.< GAH oh well

Sillygrrl

2003-09-16T11:08:00.000-04:00

*scream in frustration*

2003-09-15T06:52:00.000-04:00

I went to sleep happy (though I had problems falling asleep but I will live), but I woke up and thought I might cry. I had been feeling distant from my BIG sis lately... I had been feeling a little forgotten and a lot like I was in last place. I talked to someone and realized that she was busy, which I knew, but that it wasn't just me she was busy for... I realized that I just let my insecurities get the best of me.... Two nights ago she tried to talk and I started to talk but things were kinda blowing up around me so I told her and I broken down to her and I guess I thought things were better, but now... well now I fear it's not. That... that I hurt her and now she's gonna pull away and that I'm gonna lose her. It's probably my insecurities again, but I just wanted to say (cause I don't know if I can have the guts to say it to her without something going first and cause I know she'll see it)... I am sorry and I do love you sis. Please forgive me my failings and don't ... don't go I need you.

Guess that's it...

Sillygrrl

2003-09-12T14:16:00.000-04:00

Hi hi kiddies

I have been very .... lately. What does the .... stand for. A number of things. Depressed... Anxious... Not feeling well... Sad... Lost.... alone.... friendly.... miserable... happy.... confused.... miserable....

Okay so most of them are bad, but a few are good. At least a few are good. I keep hanging in for the good ones. Some of the stuff I've ordered came in, but my keychain they didn't have so no chobits key chain....

Mom isn't doing as well as I thought. She didn't get both of the letters she needed... she only got one.... *sighs* I had to push her. This should be interesting... maybe she'll do it.

I hope things calm down

Sillygrrl

2003-09-11T08:32:00.000-04:00

So i'm off to school and I'm trying again. Woke up with this horrid feeling in my chest. With everyone I have around me I am still so very alone and that is how it is going to be forever. I'll be off battling my demons today (and the panic attacks they have lurking in the shadows). I wonder how many more battles I can win like this before I just lose.

Sillygrrl

2003-09-09T12:49:00.000-04:00

It takes disaster to learn a lesson
We’re gonna make it through the darkest nights
Some people pretend to make a reason
But that one make everything alright

Well the rest of times they don’t face me
Even if I look and act pretty crazy
On my way down she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy
See I’m very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she's through
I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She’s not the one coming back for you
She’s not the one coming back for you

If I fall back down
You’re gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down
You’re gonna be my friend

Artist: Rancid
Song: Fall Back Down

This is one for my pals. I have some really good friends and it's good to know that as I would be there if they need me that they are there when I need them. Major props to bunches and those who it goes out to all know who I mean. I LOVE my friends!

Love All
Sillygrrl

2003-09-08T06:43:00.000-04:00

omg i just woke from the most hideous of nightmares. i am still shaken by it and i don't think i want to sleep ever again. >.< it was *shakes my head* i went out and the next thing i knew i was at a hospital. someone had shot my father. i was standing there and near screaming. we didn't know who it was or what was going on. it was a murder attempt. i was at the hospital and freaking. just freaking, but somehow i calmed down a little and was walking and i heard a scream and i turned and saw a rows of new born babies in bassenets and the nurses were screaming and running to one. it was filled with red blood red sauce and they pulled the choking baby out and it was my brother (the one that died before i was born. i don't know how i knew it but i did). I was freaking now, another murder attempt. I ended up going out with some friends and my mom was there and she had a paper, "I found out it's a murder attempt he's trying to get souls" she showed me the paper and looking at it had names on the back. My dad, the baby's and others. I was near freaking saying we had to call the cops and she was saying we couldn't but she knew who was doing it. I was nuts. I went to a music store, but I wasn't alone then I was with this cop that had been around most of the time and some other people that i seemed to know but i couldn't tell you who and i was there and for some reason they wanted us in the trunk so that we could all go back in the cop car and the trunk was huge (like a pick up truck) but had a lid. I got in and was holding the lid shut (Wouldnt close it) cause i knew the murderer was there and the next thing i knew it was a pick up truck and we figured out who it was and I was clutching to someone. Someone I knew, someone I trusted just like screaming and this lady cop was there and he tried to shoot someone, but she shot him right in the face and he fell back like dead but his face was perfect and I was shaking. She had to go somewhere and the room shifted again we were all sitting/laying still and i was in a corner and the dead murder jerked again looking dead at me saying "I swore I'd get you" and I let out a scream and everyone tried to get him and the person I knew jumped but the shot fired and it was by the side of my head. I couldn't tell if I was shot I just knew I couldn't hear. I mean I heard the dream going on still but I kept going I can't hear, I can't hear and the people there were running to me and the ones tending to me I couldn't hear, but my trusted one and the murderer and the cop who came back I could. The friend slammed the murderers hand to the ground and more shots were fired, he tried to shoot my friend, but missed and cop shot but he was rambling about wanting to kill Sinatra and had the gun and the people with me disappeared and I dove over and pushed the killer's hand up and he shot himself in the face. But that was the third shot in the face and i was like not trusting it so I pushed his finger down on the trigger so he did it until the gun was empty and I fell back sobbing and curled up and then THEN i woke up. I could have sworn the 'friend' was Pan, i could never see his face, but I like kinda just knew but it still... it freaked me out

2003-09-07T21:24:00.000-04:00

And into my depression I sink. I grasp for straws and feel myself falling and sinking down. I just wish I didn't feel like I was taking everyone else with me

Artist: Joseph Arthur Lyrics
Song: Honey & The Moon Lyrics

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave
A message
On your answering machine

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without
A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill
We hang around

Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up
All the time I've falling down

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

---
Sillygrrl

2003-09-04T13:46:00.000-04:00

Hi All,

Okay, I'm tired. So very very tired. Need some sleep, gonna try to take a nap. Was up too late last night. When I laid down I was up even later. I just couldn't fall asleep. I tried, but it just didn't work. Spanish was interesting once more. We haven't had homework yet, so that's very good.

I have been feeling ... depressed lately. I can't stop thinking and everything isn't too good. My stress level is up and my head is hurting yet again. Too much, juggling too many people's feelings. I just want everyone to be happy. Doesn't look like it's going to happen. >.< My head hurts again.... I think it's nappy time...

Sillygrrl

2003-09-02T08:25:00.000-04:00

>.< GAH it's too early!!! What am I doing up..... oh ya... SCHOOL!!! *grumbles unsavory things* I am going back today. Today is going to be insane anyways. School (spanish) 9:20 - 10:50 then Exercise (curves) then home stop (mom and moo) then back to work. And tomorrow is my anniversary.... OF LIVING AT WORK FOR A MONTH! (I really could have something better to commemorate...) oh well.

Well sitting here isn't making it go away... just making me twitch.. thank god for class with Crystal Tear (Big Props to having a friendly face in class!!!)

Later All!!!!!

Sillygrrl

2003-08-30T17:21:00.000-04:00

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

That is the lyrics for The Scientist by Cold Play. That song means too much to me on many levels because of my father. He was a Science Teacher, they called him Mister Wizard so the name hit me first. But the lyrics
nobody says it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part [he died at 56]
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard...

Tell me your secrets... we always did that, we told each other everything and we were going to sit and talk about stuff, but that didn't happen. i'll never know, but i think i do already

tell me you love me and come back and haunt me... i just want him back...

what a fun day. ^.^ okay time to put on happy music

2003-08-29T14:42:00.000-04:00

now i never claimed to be graceful...

I just like 10 minutes ago tripped over my pant leg walking back to the computer with a granola bar, took a dive into the floor with my right knee (now scraped up) and my face plowed a wooden chair. Luckily for my forehead my nose broke most of the fall. I nailed it right below the bridge. I have a lump on the right side of my nose AND SCHOOL STARTS TUESDAY!!! Shoot me now!!! v.v

Not typing anymore. Hard to type and hold ice. I have a headache

Talk to you all later

Sillygrrl

2003-08-29T00:46:00.000-04:00

been hetic, just some song lyrics. i'm still alive:

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
"My Immortal"
by: EVANESCENCE

2003-08-24T14:18:00.000-04:00

So you try. For 3 days you try to avoid a fight. You try to keep someone from getting hurt. You do everything you can on your end, then you start to try to warn them to see what they want so you can try to see if you can make it happen without getting them hurt. Then they come they blow up and all of a sudden they (the one you have been trying to help) turns on you and you are the one they blame. You are the one that never cared, you are the one that was wrong. Your heart gets completely ripped from your chest. They stomp on it and they do it to others. All you wanted to do was help in the first place.... maybe you just can't help. Maybe you should just stop trying. Maybe there is no NO point to giving a F-CK. You never do anything right anyways do I.... I did fucking try Ob. Pan tried to. You have NO idea. That is all I've been doing. Guess it doesn't matter though does it.
sillygrrl

2003-08-23T18:53:00.000-04:00

Wow... 5:30 in the morning is not a good bed time, but alas that is when I went to bed. I then woke up at 10, gave Mary food and meds and took care of the gatos (cats) and then proceeded to crash at 11ish until 2 with a few minor interuptions (no, mom. don't go upstairs and see if i left a msg about what time i'll be there to mow.. just call me back it's easier!!! >.<) so i got up at 2 and went to see what was going on. there is still some chaos left over from yesterday (i.e. the reason i was up til 5:30) and i went and mowed and got to play with an electric hedge clipper (wheeee) and then i got food for 2 lols (lols= little old ladies = Mary and Mom) and food for me and then dropped mom's food off and came here, fed mary showered and ate cold food... ya. i am tired -.- i want to go to sleep, but i can not as it is WAY WAY too early. I'll just keep my eyes propped open with books or something!

sillygrrl

2003-08-22T13:18:00.000-04:00

Hi

I'm feel so tired! I got up and exercised and showered already. I could so use a nap, but no time. Got too much to do and no time! I might be late getting on tonight, but I hope not. I'll talk to you all later!

Luv Ya Guys!
Sillygrrl

2003-08-21T17:36:00.000-04:00

Another day another dilema. Nothing goes easy, ever, but I had fun on the phones with Linds when I was getting my errands done before exercising. So if I can ignore the parts that were distressing and upsetting and just focus on the good (cause there was good in it). I'll be better off in the long run.

Lyrics:
It's just you and me baby
No one else we can trust
We'll say nuthin to no one
No how or we'll bust
Never crack a smile or flinch or cry
For nobody .....
....Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We'll divvy up there
Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So I got the pistol
So I get the Pesos
That seems fair
That seems fair

Song: Banditos
By:The Refreshments

2003-08-20T13:05:00.000-04:00

What to say about today. I dunno. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Mostly good I think. Q found the stuff so she can look at paying me but.... (isn't there always a but) some of it might have to wait a week or two for checks to clear or some such. So that might hold up part of a plan that I had. I hate waiting. At least I know I'll get it. I never worry about that. Once I get it though ^.^ If it's as much as I think it is I'll be able to help in the way that I wanted (which is always good). I just have to wait a little.

What else do I say about stuff, I've been out of sorts a lot (Depressed honestly) and things are just so... well not straight normal. I think things are going to even out. I think they will calm down. I can only hope and pray they will because I think I've had enough chaos for now.

Sillygrrl

2003-08-19T13:56:00.000-04:00

[img]http://www.gargoyles.org/images/weepingangellrg.jpg[/img]

this is a statue i got after dad died. a week after we buried him. it has "The bud was spread to show the rose; our savior smiled the bud was closed" inscripted on the base. I love it. It haunts me

2003-08-19T11:13:00.000-04:00

you can tell someone and help someone only so much before they just go blindly and have to learn it the hard way. it is never easy to watch them do it, but sometimes it is the only way that they will learn. i have come to this point with someone and i wish them the best of the best (and the best of luck) but i guess i'm just done trying to point out reason only to have it over ran with illusions. people can be the best kind of magicians with themselves. hiding the truth and making things look pretty when they want it bad enough. guess i don't want it bad enough anymore. guess i rather taste the pain of reality so i can know the few true pleasures i do have instead of hiding behind my rose color glasses anymore. reality sucks 99.9% of the time. but there is the 0.1% that doesn't and that is what i am clinging to right now. maybe it would be better if i had the rose colored glasses... but then... i would never know the truth

sillygrrl

2003-08-18T03:33:00.000-04:00

Well Kiddies,

Summer is rolling to an end, season change start to change and so does everything about me. I don't want to change. But I'm being forced to. Why is it when you're feeling safe and comfortable you can't stay that way ever. I'm tired of change and losing what I have and what I love. When things look perfect they fall apart. I don't see how they can get better. I wish I could go through and pick certain things to keep. But I can't. All I have is a future that scares me and looks so F-cking bleak. I want to stop time. I want to get to a good point and make it stay there. But I don't know if there'll be a good point again. I've lost so many that I just can't have back. My grandma, my father, some uncles, some friends. I wish I was back to a point where everything was safe and happy again, I don't see it ever coming. Never again....

sillygrrl

2003-08-16T11:41:00.000-04:00

GAAAAAAAAAAAH
the online tech support wouldn't work... i did dial up

they had me on hold and then came back to tell me... it can't find my inbox. it doesn't recognize it!!!!! he's calling me back (boy does that fuck up my nap) and maybe then they could help. I went desperate and tried to look at my webmail and STILL NOTHING! *sobs*

not my day already
sillygrrl

2003-08-16T10:48:00.000-04:00

Alright... last night had a bit of a argh in it for me. Sometimes I am not sure that I can trust my views on events unless I take a few days to think about them. But you don't always have the luxury of a few days and a person to talk to. So you deal with your reaction, but when you're in the middle of it... like I said... I'm not the best judge. So I manage to calm down, realize the issue and feel better (emotionally) and then my e-mail acts insane and stomach kicks up again and blargh. Right when I was going to bed.... *grumbles about luck* Well, my e-mail stopped recognizing my password (no downloading mail) and my stomach... well it wasn't pretty, but i did manage not to vomit (i hate vomitting). soooo... I get up for feeding time at the zoo (feeling wipped out) and checked the e-mail. It says it's downloading my mail now, but I sent a test.... and got nothing back.... I would fuss with it now, but I'm tooo wiped. Soooooooooo later all... that bed is calling my name and I am in no shape (at the present moment) to argue with it... (actually i might log on to check at the website)

sillygrrl

2003-08-14T13:19:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm doing okay but I'm going nuts with Gaia I think.

If you love me click the link:

*giggles* it gives me more gold. you can click it once a day. I put one up to the right (scroll right) I'm odd I know. Hey it's something to do when I have nothing else I guess. I have a new quest, I saw a fox tail and I wanna get one for Ajay. He'll freak! well I'm running

Sillygrrl

p.s. if you join PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE list muffinoes@hotmail.com as your referral. Thanks Love ya!

2003-08-13T20:44:00.001-04:00

Well, today has been long. I woke up with a headache so I gave Mary her meds and food and laid back down. I got up later then exercised, saw mom, got food and showered. It was interesting. I've been playing Gaia (If you join... put me as your referal: muffinoes@hotmail.com) You make an avatar and then you post to get gold and you buy things for your avatar with the gold. It is interesting and the avatars all look cute and anime. There is some neat stuff you can get. It's kewl if you can find people to talk with but I still like Furcadia better.

2003-08-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

2003-08-12T11:53:00.000-04:00

today i can sum me up in one word.

tired

I am so close to tipping over from the computer and passing out on the floor it's not even funny. I am exhausted. I think life is catching up to me. Bleah. I will fight it! I will continue to push myself to stay sane. Hmm... but maybe a nap. I went to bed at 4, got up at 9 to go feed Mary, the cats, the lizard and then go exercise. I did that getting home like 10:45 thinking Q would be here between 11 and 12. Calling her she told me she hadn't left yet that she had to call me back. I sat talking to Andy and Big Sis for a while before calling back and finding out yes, we were still going and that she was on her way. So I went and took a shower. I had hoped that it would wake me up... it didn't. See normally I shower at night and then slip into my pj for relaxing time (puter then bed). Now all I want is to get in my night shirt and flump on the bed and pass the hell out. That doesn't seem to be happening... Well. Maybe I can try for another nap after dinner. It was somewhat successful last night. We'll have to see.

Sillygrrl

2003-08-11T13:35:00.000-04:00

Hi Kiddies,

Well I'm back. I'm doing well I guess. I'm tired, but I will live. I even went to bed early last night. I mowed today (realized how hot it was) put coolant in my car, windshield wiper fluid and talked to Mom. She seems to be doing better. I have to go get zapped and I have to do a drive through and see if I can find something. So I just showered, and I have to leave in like 30 minutes, but when I get back I should be back all night! Talk to you all later!

Sillygrrl

2003-08-10T22:57:00.000-04:00

Well, today was good. I went to the b-b-q. It was nice. Had a good time and am working on my diet more. I enjoyed a boat ride and Q is still pushing for me to move down the shore. It's starting to sound tempting! GAH. Don't know what to do. Have lots to think about!

Sillygrrl

2003-08-09T11:54:00.000-04:00

Hey All,

I'm dead dead tired. I have to mow though, then shower and pack stuff up. But it looks like rain so the mowing may not be happening and I may have to push it off yet another day. GAH! Mom is going to have a holy fit! I will deal. I'll call her in a few and tell her I guess, then go straight to shower and on with the day. I can't control the weather. GAH it just started pouring. Well that is one thing off my list and she's not mad *phew*

Talk to you all later, just shower and pack and laundry. I can do it!

Love to all
Sillygrrl

2003-08-08T22:31:00.000-04:00

well today was good and exciting. I went to work. I was so tired I thought I would pass out. I was just ready to fall asleep at any moment and I managed to do it at lowes while Q and I were shopping. She left me at the wall paper area asleep. I accidently woke up and was all alone!!! I went looking and found her, but I teased her about leaving me. i was dead tired until the double shot of expresso in my drink and 1/2 the bottle of diet soda. I'm still a little tired, but I got on the computer at a more regular time so that is good. Mmm a little resemblance of normalcy. Gotta love it
sillygrrl

2003-08-07T11:31:00.000-04:00

okay, I woke up, but i'm not sure i'm feeling so terribly well. i feel like i'm getting a cold or something (YUCK!!!) and am not happy about it. My sleeping still is sucky, at least the falling to sleep part. I just wish I had some time to stay asleep. LOL. Maybe sometime next month i'll schedule a nap or something. LOL. At least my spirits are still high. I want to be online tonight somewhat closer to regular time. Gots people to talk to, friends to see, e-mail to answer and a mind to rot.

Thank you Linds for everything!! You are the world's best big sister (even better than me).

love
Sillygrrl

2003-08-06T23:10:00.000-04:00

I was having a busy but good day. Got a lot done and saw Mom. On the way out I happened to just get a box from my lil bro (THANK YOU PAN!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!). I loved it. 2 cds AND jokes that he picked for me (which i put in a binder already, but I'll have to protector sheet them too). Once again thank you!

Love
Sillygrrl

2003-08-06T18:12:00.000-04:00

i've been busy but good. got something kewl in the mail. something from lil bro. the 2 cds and so many jokes. he mentioned a joke book. i didn't realize he editted one himself. now i have to find a binder. i almost didn't get it, but it got there as i was getting in the car to go back to work. well running, helping Dr. Q with his chapter and we were given a short short time limit so i will be online asap. i love and am thinking of you all

sillygrrl

2003-08-04T15:38:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally got Pan last night and talked to him. I'm feelin awful guilty because it seems that I'm the root cause of the fight. It seems that he was going to stop D from hurting me yet again because he takes advantage of my friendship (well more so of the fact that if he acts sorry i'll just shrug off all the shit he's been dumping and go back to role playing with him on fur) but it's been a little too much lately and finally pan was pushed past his limits of seeing me hurt by him so he was going to yell/mess with his char on fur but 0bsolom heard and was trying to stop him (i think cause he wanted me to stand up on my own to him - which i finally did last night) but it came at a fight between 0bsolom an0d Pan and now Pan is hurting and they're not talking and I'm worrying! I wish I had been stronger with D in the first place. I guess I have to learn to stand up for myself some. Maybe it'll stop problems in the future. I guess it's just easier to stand up for my friends than for me cause I have self worth issues (I don't see myself being worth much). I'm just odd I guess.

I have a lot to work on!
Sillygrrl

2003-08-03T21:15:00.000-04:00

Well, today was good, things are getting better. I've found hope and happiness. But then I woke up and lil bro wasn't online with an away msg like he always has and then on top of that he isnt on now. so now i'm just worrying about him. (If you read this, pan, i'm worrying about you!!!!) on top of that my fur isn't loading up to my computer right and I can't download fur from their website cause it's not working right. So I'm w/o fur and my lil bro!!! But I still have friends and hope. I... well i was just excited. I saw Pan, but then he poofed away. :( Hopefully he'll be on to talk to me soon.

sillygrrl

Kara

2003-08-01T16:07:00.000-04:00

Hi!

Well, I'm tired (still haven't been sleeping right). I saw after 4 am this morning. It's raining though, so I'm hoping it'll rain tomorrow. I wanna sleep in. I can't fall asleep, but staying asleep seems not too bad. My sunburn is still ouchie, at least where my stinking bra straps fall and my head is a lil tired and drowsy right now (bleah).

Life has been okay, but one of my furres is gone *moment of Silent for her*. I will miss her, but it is now chaos with what happens with my alt. (i.e. who does she go with). I had been playing with D., but he stopped playing insulting me ooc kinda. So I started playing with J., (keeping in mind D and J know each other). Well D realized he screwed up and is all sad and stuff, but J is trying to use a rule that D. had came up with when I played with him (i.e. J had wanted me to make an alt to play with him while I played with D and D said no, it would be odd, so now J is saying that I shouldn't...) And I mean I had said that if D. went through with it that was it and stuff and he did upset me pretty bad... Gods I wish big sis didn't leave last night before this all happened!!! She knew the WHOLE situation and both D and J and could go I would suggest doing ___ (she would fill in the blank of course) and I would go OH okay. But now she's gone til Tuesday... oh well I will deal *nods*.

Other than a lil bit of insanity in my fur life ( Furcadia Rocks ) I am doing well (outside of the sleeping thing). SO all in all it is good. Talk to you all again later. I'm exercising at Curves again after work then home. I am still not sure, but I think I am moving in on Sunday... but it may be pushed back now as they have to turn the water off on Mon - Tues (plumbing inspector is coming Tues and will turn it on if approved I believe) so i may not be in til Tues. Wish me luck.

2003-07-31T09:25:00.000-04:00

ouchie

Well it's official, my shoulders hurt (at least the one). I did get burned, even though yesterday I didn't think I was burning. Oh well, I've been burned before. Not my favorite thing, but hmm I'm stuck so I'll deal. I'm feeling tired today (wish I could sleep right for a change) but I just have to get through to Sat. I'm gonna sleep in and mow the lawn. I'll try to move in to work Sun not Sat. Things will be interesting to say the least. *nods*

I STILL have to pick a class (and fast). I have to pay my tuiton bill (to not lose what I have). But at least I fixed the phone issue in my room. *nods* I am slightly worried of my dear lil bro. He was acting quiet and withdrawn last night. I hope he's okay. I'm sure he would have said something if something was up (I did ask). Maybe he was just a lil outta sorts. (I know I'm worrying - shoot me pan. I'm the big sis i can worry). Well I hafta run to work. Then I have to exercise. Then I have to come home and try not to die. (LOL) Talk to you all later!!!

Love
sillygrrl

2003-07-30T23:27:00.000-04:00

Well I went to darney park and wild water kingdom and got soaked, waterlogged, slightly burned, and all in all had a good time.

The bonus of it all was I had an epiphany on the Merry-Go-Round. My life is nothing but a Merry-Go-Round, I have my up points and my down ones, but I have to stay on the ride until it comes to a stop and I can't stop it myself. All I can do is hold on and enjoy the music, company and scenery until the ride is over.

Maybe I'm being overly simplistic... maybe that's what I need now. Maybe I've been over analyzing and going in circles like big bro says. Guess it's just time for me to enjoy the ride.

Sillygrrl.

2003-07-29T14:41:00.000-04:00

Ever see something you're not supose to? Ever hear a conversation about you that the people talking don't know you hear? Sometimes I have that happen. That's when I feel the worst. Cause that's when you know their true feelings. Getting smacked down when you're not even supose to be. And you know the people would say "i didn't mean it like that" or "you're taking it out of context" but there are some things that just don't go out of context.

Maybe I am the horrible person that some people think I am. But I didn't lie. Of all the things I do, I try not to lie. I will not answer, I will not bring things up, but when asked I do not lie about things I do and don't do. I came to a realization in my life and that hurt someone, I realize. It was never my intent, but it happened all the same. But I know that I did it without lying. I was truthful when I said I had stopped my diet. I knew I was screwing it up because I was eating at insane hours, eating a fucking hospital half the time or eating odd shit at home in the hopes that something would make my dad eat. I knew that and I fully admitted it. I didn't lie saying I was doing something I wasn't. I was honest. I can't say the same for you.

So being true to myself, I try to stop a train wreck from happening. I do not want 2 bad marriages. I do not want to be by myself with someone there. I can not be put where I am not listened to, where I do not get responses, where I get more feedback through a machine then being 1 on 1. That happened both times when it was 1 on 1 and you can't deny it. The only difference was the first time, 1 on 1 I was bouncier and happier. I could push to make things work. I had fight in me and I fought for your attention. The second time... well my dad died. I wasn't happy, I wasn't bouncy, but I fucking tried. No I didn't want to be silly, I was supose to be mourning! I was supose to be sad and crying not at a mall. I loved him and I never... I never got to mourn then. Maybe I shouldn't have asked you not to be silly in certain places, maybe I should have been more tolerant to things, but I was tired, I was trying not to crack and all I wanted to do was die. Maybe I should have said that instead of please stop you're being embarassing. But there are a time and a place for things. I was suppose to be mourning and instead I was taking care of everyone else. I kept having to stop myself, having to rope it in. I never got to sob or fuss or scream that it's not fair! And it's not! It's not that he's gone and it's not that I kept having to push it down for everyone....

But I did, that was my choice. I was mistaken what here for you meant. I was wrong on my understanding. I guess I assumed and we both became asses. But a lesson was learned. While you might not need someone to talk to, while you can be happy where you do your thing and are alone, without talking at nights. Just knowing you have someone there if you want... I can't. I can not have a relationship where the box is the only way we talk. I am not happy just having someone in the same building. I NEED interaction and attention and that .... that didn't happen. Maybe you tried to give me attention, maybe I was blind. Crucify me, I don't care anymore.

I just know that I am trying to do things right for me. I do not want someone moving away from the 'home' and their familiar settings for nothing. Why uproot when it's pointless and lost? Find someone that will be happy with you with what you want. That is all we can do anymore.

Does it make me love you less, or care about you less. No. It just makes me realistic. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe I just grew up and realized there aren't fairy tales anymore. There are no happy endings, no knights on white horses. Just two people, two fallable people in the end.

sillygrrl

2003-07-28T22:57:00.000-04:00

okay so i'm home now for a few days. i was supose to go to work today, BUT i woke up dying. my head was pounding, light was making me cringe, yes folks! i had a migraine. now i haven't had one in ages, but they SUCk and i HATE them and they are no fun. So i called out of work and didn't move from bed til after 2 and then i was still woozy, but i had to exercise and my friend watned to go to dinner so i went. i had fun with my friend C.L. (went to Outback) where she was hitting on the waiter, too bad he was taken...

Guess today I'm boring. I'll try to be better later. I AM going to a water park on WED (woot!) So that should be fun!

Love
Sillygrrl

2003-07-27T12:04:00.000-04:00

*sighs*

Well, thus ends the wonderful week of computer, aolim, friends and fur. I have to go back to reality and move home. Now ironically enough, I'm only gonna be home until the end of the month (and hello, that's like Thur/Fri). I am going to be living in work ALL of August, but things are gonna be different because P and S are gonna be in state, like an hour away bopping back and forth and I dunno, it may be different (hopefully not, I think I can use another computer month).

I still have a lot of decisions to make, and it's getting to the point where I can not procrastinate. (*cough* major, classes, work come Sept *cough*) I was reminded last night that some wishes do come true.... and not that I think I'm owed anything... I know I have to work for things... I just think maybe I deserve a little happiness in my life too. So, I will wish on the stars for my wishes to come true (can't tell you what they are or they won't come true... duh they're wishes, but I think some of you know some of them) and hopefully I too can find a little happiness.

I still have to get my lap top working on their cable modem though... they are gonna most likely be taking their computer and I can not (CAN NOT) live without my computer for a month. Dear God I would curl up in a ball, rot and die. So... I may have to bring my lap top over and have a comcast person look at it. I also have to turn in two time sheets and hope (please oh please) that Sally can do my checks before Wed cause I like putting money in the bank. Not that I don't have money there (cause I do), it's just that I like more money ^-^ (sue me, I mean the one is a so so week, but hey 11 am Sun to 4pm the following Sunday [minus 8 hours sleeping a day] is sweet)

This week I (hopefully) am going to Darney Park on Wed to the water park. (please oh please oh please oh please i wanna go). I gotta verify the day off but I think I should get it (i am moving in here all of august... helloooooo). And S is always good about me getting time off if I need/want. So (*crosses fingers*) that should be good. I will try to continue to blog post more often. I know that I have CT reading it, but I think Pan and 0bsolom are too. So now that I have a 3 person loyal fan base (well maybe Drae is reading to... wow I'd have 4) I feel obligated to be somewhat entertaining. I am still debating the who stand up thing. Maybe for something fun on the side... I dunno. We'll see!

Sillygrrl

2003-07-26T10:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I am sure there has to be a reason to all this pain. That eventually there will be something worthy at the end of the tunnel. Though right now... I am too blinded by things to see it. At least I can admit that. At least I know that everything seems to suck right now (big time) and that I'm not the best judge.

My moods have been shakey at best, my mind set sour and my desire to be around people is almost fully gone. The handful that I draw near to me will soon tire of dealing with me and then, then I will be truly alone. Though as it works with me, the second I finally want to see people and feel better, they will be gone. So I will try to hide it. I will try to push it away to keep them near. My handful that I would do anything to protect, that I only want to see happy. That are worth me forfeiting my own happiness for because they are friends, like family to me.

Things are going to change again, it is coming up quickly now. So I will deal with it. I will hold on tight, pray for the best, expect the worse, and go. Guess that's all I got left to do.

Sillygrrl

2003-07-25T10:42:00.000-04:00

Hi Kiddies,

I have to write something, but I don't know what. Had an arguement last night and I thought it was okay, I mean we're not argueing. But he's still hurt *HUGS PAN*. He's always there for me and now he's sad. It was just a stupid arguement and I'm not mad with him, I was just afraid I had pushed him to the limit like I do with most people. That I had just worn him out too and that I was too much of a burden.

I know, that all goes back to the negative image of myself. And I know that I am depressed right now and everyone says I have a reason to be to a certain extent, though I think I should be okay by now. I.. I just wish EVERYTHING didn't have to change at once. Like picking school and my work too. I mean I hate change and I hate making decisions cause from what I've seen, I can't make the right ones anymore. I just have to buckle down and decide and stuff.

Thanks to Drae, 0bsolom and Pan (alphabetical again) for keeping me sane. Thank you.

sillygrrl

2003-07-24T10:41:00.000-04:00

it amazes me sometimes. how people can know you. how badly they can want to help you and how you may not feel like you want or deserve it, but sometimes, you realize, you can't listen to yourself. because maybe, just maybe, you've been lying to yourself about 'you'. maybe, just maybe, you have been blindly swayed by someone else and it's time you let yourself listen to someone(s) positive. that my own judgement is faulty, that it is lacking. i guess it does take 3 to get you to listen (thank you Drae, 0bby, Pan* *note they are listed alphabetically no fussing at me later*) I'll try to listen to you 3 more and me a little less about how i am and stuff. thank you for being there and i'm sorry for being frustrating. it's hard to change someone stubborn and i can fully admit i'm a stubborn one at times, but i come by it naturally (miss you daddy). not that it makes life any easier or what not, but at least i hold on and fight. maybe it's just time that i try to fight ... for me

sillygrrl

i believe i can fly
i believe i can touch the sky
i think about it every night and day
spread my wings and fly away
fly redone by me first and the gimme gimmes (you can take the time to look up the original, but this verison is highly recommended as it rocks)

2003-07-23T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well, i've found you can't hide too well when someone won't let you (*eyes 0b*) and that life is in no way fair. (But if it was fair, would it be fun). I don't really think anyone checks this out anymore (unless I point it out) but hey I could be wrong (Crystal Tear might) but it is ~my~ fault for slacking on it so I deal. I guess I write this for me huh? Well at least I know one person is appreciating it. (hey i can appreciate it).

Music has been a big thing recently. It's nice when you have someone pointing out amazing songs who appreciates when you send it back. (I have some of the best friends) It's scary thought when they can tell you're upset just by changes in your 'writers voice' (WOOT!) So now you say lyrics... and I think of all they lyrics that have flown to and throw in the great 'well you think that is kewl what about...'

Guess I will leave off with these:
So hold her closer when she cries
Hold her closer when she feels
She needs a hand to hold
Someone who'll never let her go again

Hold Her Closer - by Blessid Union of Souls

2003-07-22T13:29:00.000-04:00

Ah, change seems to be my topic right now. Things are changing at school (what do i want to major in, what do i want to do), things are changing at home (dad is gone), things are changing at work (Do i move to brick, do i find a new job). Things are changing everywhere, friends included. Some get stronger, some get weaker, some pull away and others well sometimes you don't know who you can trust. Even ~family~, lil bro is staying strong (what could i do without you), big bro... well he means well, but he hurt me last night. I know, I forgive him (you), it was a misunderstanding, but it hurt. The worlding you said it like you've felt that way about me before. I just have to wonder how often you do. Guess I never realized you felt that way about me. It doesn't matter, I figure most people do. Guess I just have a lot of re-evaluating to do.

"I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on"
Michelle Branch - "All you wanted"

Sillygrrl

2003-07-21T16:52:00.000-04:00

Life changes, things change. Change scares me. Got nothing to do but change I guess. I'm standing in the eye of a storm watching it swirl around me, but I will hold my ground. I will stand firm. And I will be a better person at the end of it. Thank you Pan, you are the world's best lil bro ever. I would be lost without you.

Sillygrrl

2003-07-17T13:51:00.000-04:00

alright. i have been seriously slacking in the music department so I will do this. I will tell you all of a band i recently found while shopping in torrid (gotta love it). It's Me First and the Gimme Gimmes . They take already known music and redo it. They are amazing, check out the site. I got 4 of their albums in like 2 weeks. I just love them. So no lyrics today kiddies, just that amazing link and the great band! I have the following Albums:
Are A Drag
Have A Ball
Blow in the Wind
Take A Break (their latest and my favorite one)
So check them out. You can hear some MP3s of their stuff at the site (See the convient link I left you above).

Okay.. I went to Curves yesterday and I joined. I need exercise in my life to go with this diet and I actually had fun while there (me have fun exercising???WOOHOO) Hopefully I'll hit the goals they want for me. (I would be SO happy). It's 39 something a month (okay call a spade a spade - it's 40) but it's free til Sept. 3 so WOOHOO again.

I've been okay on my diet. I'm not gonna kill myself, I'm gonna try. I can do this, but I have to do it. So wish me luck I'm on my way again. (Going the right way once more (down) ).

Talk to you all later!
Love
Sillygrrl

2003-07-16T10:40:00.000-04:00

life is insane, my head hurts and i'm just lost.
sorry for being away
trying to get a resemblance of a life after not having one for so long is hard
and trying to deal with what happened and will happen isn't easy either
sillygrrl
no music today, not at home, not up to it. later all sorry

2003-07-01T22:32:00.000-04:00

Kiddies,

I am sorry to have to report that at 9:15 June 30, 2003 my father finally took his last breath and passed away. I am torn on this. I am numb and sad, but he's not suffering now. He won't hurt anymore. But there are many other things he won't do too, like trips, my wedding (when/if i get married), see any possible grandkids etc etc. i am a lil too tired to comment much more past this, but i thank everyone for their prayers and love.
sillygrrl

2003-06-19T15:16:00.000-04:00

Kiddies,

Well, at least this is a positive thing. I'm at the hospital visiting my dad and low and behold a computer. So I came over and can clear out my hotmail and it seems I might be able to get on aolim or something and post my blog. He's been in the hosp since Monday and I've been at work since Sat so I am running between work, the hospital and home. Mom has stayed at the hospital since Tuesday, only leaving today to go to the bank and get something. She may run home for a lil bit today but I've been going home 2xs a day cause I have to bring the papers in, get the mail and check on da moo. I'm tired. I do not need this now. He looked like death yesterday, but he seems a lil better today. They are taking him for the test soon, so hopefully we will know something soon. They were talking about not letting him go home ever again, about hospice (hospice = place you go to die). I can only hope that's not the case. I am tired of seeing him suffer, it's eating me up inside.

Sillygrrl
ps. sorry for the lack of lyric will get it out later

2003-06-15T11:35:00.000-04:00

father's day is here. with two dvds for dad i sit at work, doing wash, dishes, aand trying to maintain my sanity. i want him to get better. I'd trade places with him without thinking twice. but there are no miracles, there are no second chances. it's just the reality that this is probably my last father's day with him. i have the opportunity to tell him every day that he is the best father ever and he knows without him i wouldn't have made it this far. he knows cause i've told him time and time again. he is everything to me. and he's going to be leaving. it's not fair, though life isn't fair. and where does it leave me? it leaves me here trying not to cry on father's day. saying it's not fair is an understatement. he is a good man, a kind man who used humor to make bad things better, who used humor to help kids learn. who supported me through everything. he didn't deserve this. no one does, but i mean he was really the best and to see him go out like this. suffering, in pain, it just kills me sometimes. i'm losing a part of me with him and i just want to wake up from this nightmare that i call life. i want to run to him and get one of the best hugs a person can ever get. he gave... he gives the best hugs. sometimes i can't even hug him cause it hurts him. i mean it's just not fair. *sighs*

happy fathers day all. don't forget your fathers. they're the only ones you get

lyric:
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway
~Acoustic #3 by the Goo Goo Dolls

sillygrrl

2003-06-13T10:50:00.000-04:00

hi all,

so sunday is father's day. *sighs* i'm not looking forward to it, I don't know what to get dad. I'm just trying to stay sane. The ultrasound showed that the cancer has grown some. But the last bloodwork was saying it was shrinking... the doctor isn't happy. So more blood was tested, and if those results aren't good the next step is a catscan. This is just so stressful. I mean, shit, what do you get your dying father on father's day? I mean what do I do? *sighs* i'll just get a dvd, maybe a cd. I have no idea. I move in and stay from tomorrow til the following Saturday. I am supose to have jury duty on Monday. I am too tired. I have too much to do. Can't wait for my baby to get here. I need some kind of good change in my life.

lyric:
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
I Wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport
And put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no oh no
Just put me in a wheelchair
And get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my toes
Oh no oh no
~I wanna be sedated by the ramones

hang in there kiddies
sillygrrl

2003-06-11T15:28:00.000-04:00

hi kiddies,

i am so tired still. not able to fall asleep. i sleep okay more or less when i fall asleep, though i don't sleep straight through. i wish i did. i am so tired. everything is turned upside down. but chris is coming soon. can't wait to see him. maybe i'll feel more like me for a while...

lyric:
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
~from Unwell by Matchbox 20

sillygrrl

lyric:

2003-06-06T13:26:00.000-04:00

hi kiddies,

Haven't been sleeping well, nothing new there. Too tired and felt just awful yesterday (Stayed home from work). Headachy all day (which is unusual for me) and my stomach revolted. No fun. Hopefully things will be better. My baby is coming soon. (3 weeks and a day). Can't wait to see him! Miss him soooo much!

lyric:
I woke up today and wished for tomorrow
I don't want to be like anyone else
I woke up today and wished for tomorrow
I don't want even be myself
~from Use Your Fist And Not Your Mouth by Marilyn Manson

sillygrrl

2003-06-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

hi kiddies

life has been hetic. sleeping has been not coming, but my sweetie called me friday and made my day. he is truly wonderful and i only hope he realizes how much i love him. (love you baby)

lyric: i love pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane - rhcp

sillygrrl

2003-05-30T14:49:00.000-04:00

well, has it been a week almost. my mood has been swinging, my activities have been non-existant besides work. been avoiding people, well person. she doesn't know it (not crystal tear or lil sis, don't want you two worrying). my head is throbbing. could be my anti caffeine stance that i have taken today. i am ready for a nice long nap in my bed. oh that was a good thing this week. went to ikea. bought 2 blankets from the as-is area both were 50% off! (the only thing with them was the original wrapper was missing - like i'd complain at that for 50% off i was just throwing the wrapping away anywho). I got them, a lamp, 6 lightbulbs for the lamp to avoid the reason of why i needed the new lamp, 20 batteries and i spent under 35. gotta love ikea.

now okay the new lamp reason sounds stupid and maybe i'm just a girl but here it is.... dad had bought the lamp figuring mom could have it if he couldn't fix her desk lamp (though it's electric blue why he ever thought she'd like it is beyond me...anywho). he managed to fix her lamp and gave me that one. I took it upstairs and loved it to pieces (i like light) and it lasted me for over a year. (good little lamp) and then it stopped lighting up. no problem, the light bulb burned out. Well i looked at it. the lightbulb (which is not your normal 40/60/90 watt bad boy) is under a glass plate. that's hooked on somehow and well i couldn't figure out the type of light bulb or the way to even get to the light bulb to get it out and well being the resourceful girl i am i decided F*CK IT. the new lamp was only 10 and was way too cute. So that is the saga of the new ikea lamp (like I need an excuse to buy a lamp).

i've decided to try to add a line from a song every time i post here, just cause i like music a lot and well here we go the first one. it's been stuck in my head

song(line) that is stuck in my head currently:
"You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine"
by Jason Mraz
from the song: The Remedy (I won't worry)

sillygrrl

2003-05-24T21:15:00.000-04:00

stressing
feeling awful
wanting to do something
nothing to do
no one to do it with
how can i have so many friends
and no one to do shit with
life sucks so bad sometimes, like now. it's just so overwhelming. so disturbing and so screwed up.
i'm so alone, but not and i don't know if it'd be better to be fuly alone or to taste friendship and comfort on a level and never really have it by me when i need it

shit kiddies, don't be like me.... ever
sillygrrl

2003-05-22T10:38:00.000-04:00

Hi Kiddies,

Dad is still in the hospital. He may be released today or tomorrow if he can have oral antibiotics. If not he'll be there another 5 days getting iv antibiotics. It all depends on how his labs come back and what is official is wrong. Won't know for a while, couldn't sleep right last night and I'm on pins and needles now. Bleah. Well, talk to you all later
Sillygrrl

2003-05-20T12:58:00.000-04:00

Hi Kiddies,

Okay it's been a while. I must have done well on finals (left with 2 As) go me. Dad had to go back to the hospital yesterday. Had a temp going, doc didn't know why, running tests. It was a fiasco and sucked in general. So now I am back in hospital mode which stresses me out some. (Take mom to the hospital, go to Work, go home to check lights bring in mail, go to hospital to see dad, go home to 'relax', crash and repeat). Hopefully he won't be there too long. Just wonder when/if/how it's all gonna end.

Sillygrrl

2003-05-08T13:47:00.000-04:00

Well, finals are done with (thank god) and now I just have work and dad and waiting til Chris gets here. Today is eh, I'm at work (stayed over last night) as the bosses are away and I woke up feelin like SH*T. I think I have a cold. I wanna curl back up on the loveseat and go back to sleep and never wake up again. I feel SO miserable, it's not funny. I hope I did well on my finals, I still have to pick another class. I *curls up* I have to stop procrastinating. Maybe tomorrow... just gotta feel better now.

Sillygrrl

2003-04-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

Well, it's 4/30. This month is almost over, school is almost over and I think I've been worrying people. I know I have been when I find out my bro is wasting his time trying to find this site for like an hour. People wanna know what's up. Is it a lack of sleep or is it dealing with my dad, is it me falling into a deep fantasy land because reality just F--king sucks right now. Well I guess it is a huge combination of all of the above. I apologize to those who are worrying. There are just some things that are driving me massively insane right now. I can't handle all the fighting that is just frigging everywhere in my life. I hate seeing my friends tearing each other apart, I hate being torn apart and feeling so lost and painfully alone. It seems that right now there is little I can do but hold on and hang in there. So now, it is official. I am fine, you can all stop worrying. I will get through this. I have not done anything STUPID (SaM). I have been incontrol just losing myself in rpgs and furc and hiding from the realities that I just can not deal with right now.

oh and phoenix, if you see this. let my bro know it's here and don't worry. I love you, I will be fine. I just have to get through this
Sillygrrl

2003-04-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've been here last hasn't it. Okay. I'm sorry about leaving you all high and dry. I hope you are all doing well. I am ... hanging in there. I told Mom about my sweetie coming to visit me for 2 weeks at home and .... well .. she's not happy. Not that I thought she'd be.... but hey. It'll all work out right? He's coming at the end of June/beginning of July. Just don't have the exact date yet. Sweetie is working on that. So I'll be mia for two weeks, but I'll try to put up some pics after I swear! Gotta run!

Sillygrrl

2003-04-16T08:56:00.000-04:00

Hmmm okay last night was interesting. I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa at Middlesex County College. The Upsilon Gamma chapter. That's kewl. I managed to do it without having anyone there (so I didn't hafta worry about having to linger too long and I could get home. I'm getting a little nervous about things again. (That's probably bad right?) I don't know why. And I've been REALLY tired lately. Like going to bed earlier and not wanting to get up. I'm either coming down with something or starting to get depressed. I'll hafta keep my eye on it either way. both are bad. That's about it

Sillygrrl

2003-04-10T14:57:00.000-04:00

Alright, Tuesday I started feeling better, came to a few epifanies (sp?) and even did something I hadn't done in ages... I wrote 2 poems! I have been so dead (at least creatively with my poems) for months and months now... I mean it's just been horrible, but I realized that I hafta remember I am me no matter what else happens, that I am me, that through it all that is all I can be and I can not give up life. I've been shutting myself down, avoiding the pain but avoiding living and I can't keep doing that. So I wrote two poems about coming out of this and then I started to feel ill (stayed home from school and work) yesterday, but I'm doing better today I think, I just have to keep reminding myself. I'm alive and I have a lot of MY life to live. (I know it's silly, but sometimes that's hard for me to remember, especially right now). Well at least I think I'm making positive steps.

2003-04-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

In a tizzy!

Okay so my sweetie made comments and I mean I knew we figured what he said would probably happen, I figured we would end up getting married, but he said a comment his mom made to my lil sis and we were talking and that made me all ... to say hyper would be an understatement. But I can't get them out of my mind now. I mean it's exciting, it is and i knew it was gonna happen. I mean i never doubted that we'd end up married, it's just it I wanna say seemed far off. I mean I can't focus on next week, next month, etc etc. The trip we were supose to go on this summer is stressing me to no end. I mean I feel bad about leaving, but I wanna go. I just don't think I can and it's not gonna be how it was supose to, so I'd have to end up getting there alone and that's a bit of a drive by myself, but I could do it, but it's far if something bad happens here and... *looks down* well as you see decisiveness is not working. I was never really decisive before and I always have probs tryin to say. Okay I want X, Y and Z because I'm always worried about upsetting people and stuff and... well.. sometimes I don't even think *I* know what I want anymore... (in most cases at least, there is one thing I know I want more than anything else - ya baby it's the marriage thing). I guess I'm just more confused than normal

Sillgrrl

2003-03-25T09:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, spring break is over and I'm back to the rat race (okay so spring break was just no school and everything else stayed the same but ya). I'm kinda tired, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but i do know my baby has been just absolutely the best! I mean the BEST. he's so sweet and wonderful and really cares and he just seems to know what to say when. Yesterday he was telling me if things fall through for me this summer that he could just come to see me at home and I mean I almost cried that he was SOOO thoughtful. He really is amazing (love you baby).

It's been hard to get up to come to school. I'm stressing about math. I have to talk to the teacher. She sent me notice that I am doing Satisfactorially in her class, but I don't see how that's possible. *sighs* I hate stress, it's getting to be too much. And Mom did me dirty... it sucks! I mean she. *sighs* ya well to say i'm not happy is an understatement. And I'm stressing and I think I'm heading into depression, which sucks (This I say with personally experience of being there with myself before, it's a not nice dark place I don't feel like visiting again if I can avoid it.) It's hard to, but I've been skirting it and gazing in to the abyss. Right now I am still able to see it for what it is and keep myself out of it fully, I just have to keep focused. Hang in there kiddies and trust that when you think it can get worse, it will. Just know that, brace for it and go in running!

Sillygrrl

2003-03-19T15:10:00.000-05:00

Hi Kiddies,

Here I am, spring break! Life is still hard at home, my dad is still sick. He has jaundice, he has to have a test on Friday, more chemo tomorrow and he's not eatting much at all. I'm still stressing, my head hurtin, not sleepin too well and ya. School is still slightly odd. Phi Theta Kappa wants me to join. I'm stressin about stuff, my head hurting and I dunno, I've been acting odd with everyone, quiet or withdraw or way too silly with Q because she needs it too. I need ~some~ release. Just a lil from time to time.

Sillygrrl

2003-03-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

Hi Kiddies,

Okay my head hurts, I just took a test and have another to go to. Yes, yes I should be studying but it may be an exercise in futility. I hate the class (note: not the teacher. I like this teacher, just the class). I may have been handed a silver lined cloud though. I may not need it for a psych major. I have to find an advisor and ask. I'm also going to the Phi Theta Kappa thing (honors frat for 2 year schools) so I may be a member of that by the end of the day.

I'm kinda nervous about things though because my father is starting his chemo today. Mom wants to go by herself. She's being all independent (though when I said I was coming home late she started the guilt of -well i'll figure it out and handle it somehow... what AM i going to do with her.) Wish me luck for the Calc test (bleah) and I'll let you all know how the meeting goes.

Love
Sillygrrl

2003-03-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

Hi Kiddiesm,

Okay, I'm tired... I'm gonna face plant in like two minutes and leave inconherent nothingness of whatever keys my face hits up here for te world... I was up til 2 am working on the stupid Calc Quiz (and that was WITH help) and I don't think we got 1b right and at 2am I looked at the paper and said F_ C K it (feel free to fill in the blank. I bet U can get it). My head is throbbing. The four hours of sleep was NOT enough and I have too much crap to do. I have to go to my next class, then go to work til 4:30 / 5 (AND work on the chapter I'm helping with) and then I have to go home. Deal with laundry and Dad (who while is home is now SUPER fussy about eatting and has been drugged out and verging on depressed) and Mom (who has been dealing with Dad how he is all day). I wanna curl up and go to sleep and forget the world exists for a while, but I either have no time or when I get time... I can't sleep. It is the absolute of irony.

Oh and for those who can. I have a friend who's cousin's son (a lil guy) was sick. They found a golf ball sized tumor in his brain. He's going in for surgery on Thursday. Keep him in your thoughts/prayers/positive feelings, etc. Thanks!

Sillygrrl

2003-03-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

I'm tired, I'm at work all weekend, my lap top wouldn't hook up to the cable internet (even though there was spot for it) so no furc. I'm a lil tired but i'm workin so i'm still up and M is confused (really confused) which is bad. So yeah. Dad's coming home on Mondy. Insurance said so. It's hopefully good, but I am not sure. He's starting chemo in like 2 weeks. I'm hopin that will help.

Sillygrrl

2003-03-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

I could just scream. Yesterday SUCKED majorly. I went to Social Psych first, he gave us our essay exams back and then berated us for 15 - 20 minutes. I got a 95 myself, but a lot of the class got d's and f's. (7 d's, 6 f's). So he tore the class apart instead of praising those that did well. I understand he was feeling angered, but there were many other ways he could have handled it instead of fussing at us. I mean he didn't right comments on what we did wrong, nothing at all. He just put a grade and nothing else!

Then I went home, instead of going to math, because I had to get to a meeting at Care One (at 11) for dad. Talk about a WASTE of time. I missed a 2nd class in two weeks and gee the meeting didn't start til 11:30. That's right, half an hour late with no apologies or explainations. THEN there was NO doctor and they had NO idea or info. Infact we just found out that they had no idea about the clot in his heart or which lobes were effected by the strokes or anything. Basically Mom and I talked and told them what had happened and that was it. It lasted FIFTEEN minutes. Then we go back to his room and 1.5 hours later find out they're releasing him Monday 3/10... *sighs* okay okay.

The we go for a 2 hour stay at the oncologist. He's starting chemo in 2 weeks and it may or may not work or do anything. They can't give him the other appeitite stimulant because it will increase clotting. That quickly got a NO THANKYOU from me and mom. So now life is being turned on it's ear again. I'm gonna be at work from Friday - Sunday with only small breaks to see dad, but he's coming home monday at least. I GUESS it's a good thing.. I hope it is...

Sillygrrl

2003-02-27T09:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay i'm SUCH a slacker it's not funnyt It's been 7 days from my last post. that's cause i have been posting before math and i wasn't at class on tuesday as i didn't feel well. not that i'm feeling too hot today, but i had to come. can't miss another 'quiz' in social psych. 3 missed quizzes = drop of a letter grade. I feel bad, my stomach is SO upset and i didn't sleep well in the least. by the time i decided maybe i should take something for it, it was too late and i had to get up at 6 today. BLEAH. I am tired and in desperate need of a hug. on a positive note, my sweetie's birthday is the 29th (i know there is no 29th of Feb this year, but he's a leap year baby) so Happy B-day (early) hon. I love and miss you so much.

Love,
Sillygrrl

2003-02-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

OKAY I will not scream. Last night was insane. I was not doing well, I was quiet and withdrawn and I know it. Too much stuff was putting me on overdrive, and then I talked to my bro. Okay so that worked some, but that just ended up with me more frantic than I started at, well it wouldn't have if it didn't go on a completely off topic tangent (okay okay you think it was on topic M, I know but I still think it had nothing to do with it) and it ended at I worry too much, I have nothing that I can use to distract me from the long list of things that I worry about and I have to do SOMETHING about it. Now, what I have to do about it I don't know. Bro said I needed a distraction, I say I have the pbem/rpgs cause posting just takes me away, but he's right. There's times when I go a long while without any posts and that whole time I kinda sit going nuts. Or over thinking or worrying. And again he's right I'm afraid that he and my sweetie might hold concerns they have back from me for fear of adding more to what I am already dealing with and to keep me from worrying about something else. *sighs* I need another release. I enjoy music, but I can't afford new cds right now and I don't have a radio in my room. Also I'm on a dial up so I can't just go searching for songs or stuff. Oh well, I'll figure something out. Bro was suggesting writing or drawing, but I don't draw well and my writing well I like poetry, but my poetry has just been depressing as of late. I mean I wrote something but I won't even look at it... it's just sitting in the storage limbo that is my hotmail account. *sighs* Bro says I have no faith. I could have told him that. I think he means in myself specifically, but yeah I have very little faith in anything as of late.

So I went to bed later than I wanted, I couldn't sleep right and 6 am came WAY to early. I managed to get up, check my mail and get a pleasant surprise. My sweetie was up super early for him and I got his posts while I was on before class instead of when I usually get them on my 6 am mornings on my break after Social Psych and before Calc. It made me smile. He really is amazing. I then went and hand breakfast, almost broke my neck going out to start my car up to let it warm up, then went to school hearing of an accident on one and nine. I then heard of Mill Rd. being partially closed near MCC because a pedestrian was struck by a car and killed. Now I didn't know where by the college but on my drive over I found it was right NEXT to MCC and they closed my normal way in. Fortunately I leave stupid early to get to school and I just went to the other entrance and got in. I took my Social Pysch test, which was okay. I think I did well on it. I still have my calc test. Now THAT worries me. I did study some and I THINK I get it, but that's no guarentee. The only saving grace is I don't think we'll have homework today. If I luck out it'll be another take the test and have a nice weekend. I so could use that having missed work Monday AND Tuesday from the snow.

So now that leaves me sitting here in the open lab, typing and thinking. Thinking, I have found, is getting to be as dangerous as night is anymore. Bro is right, I have to find something that I can do, that I feel good at that I can let myself relax into, but that kiddies has been an on going challenge. A bane to my very existance most of my life. I have just been searching my entire life to find something, anything that I can do that would make people go 'wow' and just nod. I mean my grandma could knit and crochet. My mom used to make amazing quilts and bake and stuff. They had their thing. I still can't find mine yet. I have been searching for the one thing that would call to me that I could do for years. Now I know people like Q have told me you're good at music, but yeah I'm good not wow. Or Q has said I'm great with dealing with people. Now that may be true, but that is hardly something I can do as a hobby or a distraction. *sighs* maybe i should just find a music server thing again. I'll ask bro about it later. Cause there has to be something. >.< I just wish it wasn't SO hard!!!

On another completely different note my Aunt R sent me these two links that are just amazing!
If you're female click here
If you're male click here
They are too funny. At least the female one is.

Hang in their kiddies, cause that's all you can do sometimes.
Love,
Sillygrrl

2003-02-19T09:18:00.000-05:00

So we had to wait til today to find out about school and gee when I woke up at 7, 30 minutes before the alarm was to go off. (I really am amazed I managed to do that keeping in mind that I took a dose of tylenol pm last night because my back hurt and I was afraid of what might happen if I didn't sleep). So I took the med at 11:15 and wouldn't you know it I saw a lil past midnight and woke up with no troubles at 7, but now at 9:01 feel like I'm going to face plant. Well in any event, I woke up at 7 to find out that school is open (bleah - i could have used the 6th day after last night) but here I sit in the computer lab. I had to shovel the front of the driveway to get rid of the speed bump the plows were so nice to give us last night :P. I wanna go home, but I have class, work then CareOne trip. Oh yeah I have 2 tests to study for in there too. (Bleah again) I feel so tired, it's not funny. Maybe the tylenol pm was a bad idea, but I had to sleep. *sighs* i hate night time. Okay, okay I can do this. It's just a spanish lab. I can study with Mary and I will be okay on the tests. (I hope. I don't care at this moment, but I think it's the stress and tylenol pm talking). Why did I take it??? *sighs* oh well. I just have to push through today and it'll be okay. I only have classes tomorrow and then I'm off of school til monday! And today is almost over school wise (except for studying). Keep thinking positive and oh if I'm ever gonna take Tylenol PM again I'm doing it like AT LEAST 12 hours before I have to be up to make sure I sleep the whole thing off. Yeah, but at least my back doesn't hurt any more.
Sillygrrl

2003-02-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm on a short fuse and everything has become funny now (as that is my main way -and my dad's way too- of dealing with stress and tense situations...).

Well they were supose to transfer him over at 4. Then we get a call, no make that 5:30. So we leave the home and get to CareOne at like 6:15 to find out, no dad. Okay so we call the hospital. He hasn't left yet, but they are calling transport again. Great. So we go and wait and Aunt R and Uncle J leave so Uncle J can eat. Mom and I put his stuff away, to find that even though Mom called specifically saying don't forget his shoes in the closet and his shaver plugged in by the window that the electric shaver never made it. J (who is a church member and who works at the building) will pick it up, but it's just a pain. We also get to smile at his untalkative, with no humor roommate and then go wait at the front.

I get accostated by some stranger who says 'you can't use cell phones here there is medical equipment' though he didn't identify himself as anyone I should listen to and I hardly count an oxygen tank as something that will be effected by a cell phone. In ANY event. The grump walked off and I just pocketed my cell phone. I figured if the lady at the desk didn't tell me to turn it off skip it.

So we sit there and we wait and I call again and find out they shipped him out 5 minutes ago. Okay great it was about 6:45 ish. He's just coming from RWJ(the town over) sure there's snow, but I've seen ambulance drivers it shouldn't be long. So we wait.. and we wait... and someone shows up and like a puppy dog I hop up and run to the door and it's not dad. Another ambulance shows up, knee jerk puppy reaction, still not dad. The third showed up (you would have thought i'm a bright girl and would have learned... yeah right) STILL not dad. Finally 4th ambulance we had a winner!

So we take him back to his room with Bubba and Billy Ray. Now don't get me wrong. They were VERY nice, but they could have been a lil more professional and telling us, "well, we would have been here sooner, but we stopped at the Chelsea across the street and tried to take him there." just didn't sit well with me. So they started to transfer him from the gurney to the bed and mom's going on and on about how he can stand and I keep telling her they have to follow procedure and one finally explained they had to do the sheet transfer for insurance purposes. So they start to move him, have troubles, but finally get him to bed. Then, finally, the roommate speaks long enough to make sure they push dad's bed back so it's not on his side. *sighs grump*

Now it's me, mom and dad and a lady who's stuck there because the person who's supose to do check ins didn't come in today. So she gets him water and wanders off saying his nurse will be there. His nurse (Monica) popped in and said hi that she'd be back to check him in. So we start to talk about what he'll be doing there, he tells us he's confused about things (no kiddin?) and Aunt R and Uncle J show back up. We all joke around telling him we're signing him up for fun activities like Bingo and Kareoki night and the spelling bee, he tells us 'oh nice and that's from my kid' I smile and point out, "yeah but if it was Uncle J in that bed, you'd be doing the same thing' to which he laughs, 'right but it's me here!'.

Finally about a lil shy of an hour later, at like 8:15, she showed up.(Mind you, visiting hours are supose to be 8 - 8). It then became the new game of answer the questions and 'Stop it dad'. Haven't played that one? Oh you should! It goes like this:

Nurse: Does he have seizures that you know of?
Us: Not that we know of
Dad: *Starts twitching and jerking*
Me: STOP it dad!
Mom: Stop it Charlie! that's not funny!

Nurse: Does he have any uncontrolled movements, twitches.
Us: Not that we've seen
Dad: *starts tipping his head to the right jerking his right hand to his
chest*
Me: Dad.... they'll stuff you in a white padded room soon.
Mom: Charlie behave!

So she keeps asking questions, he keeps smarting off and the evening goes on like that until about 9:15 when we she finishes and we get up to go. But we don't really go as they bring in the scale to weigh him. That's when the
brick hits our chest. When he got weighed on 1/30 he was 195 lbs. Today... 164. I'd ask about his killer diet, but that would be a little too much on the macabe side, even for me and him. Though if he had his wits about him and I said it... he would have laughed. Then again if he had his wits about him and knew what was going on he'd be asking me to sneak in a shot gun... so we won't go there. At least he's still smiling and laughing through it all. Let's just hope it stays that way.

Sillygrrl

2003-02-18T13:27:00.000-05:00

IT SNOWED SO MUCH! UNBELIEVABLE

2003-02-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2003-02-07T23:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it's certain. My dad has the big C. Cancer. It started in his pancreas, it spread to his liver and the doctor says the pain will just continue to get worse and he doesn't think there is anything they can do for his pain.... guess that means he won't be getting better... if they can't fix his pain they can't fix him huh? I knew it though, I knew things were going wrong. After the 2nd stroke. He looked so tired, so old. He never looked old before, never. We don't know if he knows or not. He knew he had the biopsy (he was complaining about it) but he didn't ask why, he probably doesn't want to. It explains so much though. Pancreas cancer increases clotting (he had to have a double bi-pass and had extensive clotting in his legs and now he has a new clot in his heart and the clots are almost all the way up to the green field filter he has). It would also lead to why he had the stroke(s). Hind sight being 20/20 I think back to the trip to the Acme where he told me his stomach hurt. I let it slip to mom (even though he told me not to) and I got teased for never being able to keep a secret. But that was probably the first sign of trouble. He didn't go to the doctor. He never went. Now it looks to be too late for anything. Now I'm left praying that he doesn't have to suffer much, that he can enjoy what time he has left and that I can keep it together through it all. He has been my strenght for so long. I guess it's time that I'm his. I still need him, I don't think that'll ever stop, but he's not gone yet. And I won't give up til he is. I love him too much.
sillygrrl

2003-02-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

I drew a pic 2/4 and put a little poem around it 2/6 and well yeah. I thought it was... interesting.

Life is bad besides that. They think dad may have the big C in his pancreas. Have to do more tests but yeah.
Sillygrrl

2003-02-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

Hello Kiddies,

Yes, I know I'm a slacker. It's been days again since I posted last. Things have just been SUPER stressful in my life and I've been kind of cacooning myself. *sighs* Dad's still at the hospital. His bp has been too high (and if it's not in a certain range he can have another stroke) they had to give him a nitro patch the other day... AND last night we get a call that the new stomach doctor found lesions on his liver and pancreas (i wanna say pancreas I may be wrong there, but I don't think I am). *SIGHS* if one more thing goes wrong I swear to god I'll have a fit! I mean I'm trying not to give up hope here, but things just keep getting worse and worse. I'm soooo tired of it and tired of not sleeping well. It just sucks so bad! I do have to thank my friends because without them I am not sure I'd be handling this as well as I am (Now I'm not saying that I am doing REAL well here, but at least I'm still alive and my head is still above water.) I really gotta thank my baby (Phoenix) cause I don't think I'd be doing as well if I didn't have him. Well that's about it for now kiddies, I'll try to post more often.
Sillygrrl

2003-02-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been some time since i've been around. Life has been insane again and I am short on many things. Including time and patiences and high on stress. Dad's back in the hospital Had another stroke (Last thursday) and I've been nutsy with that since and i"ve just been tired and stressed in general so yeah. sorry for the delay
Sillygrrl

2003-01-23T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well lets see, it's earlier than normal for me to be posting a blog msg up and it's during school time. Odd huh? Not really. I have a break (almost an hour) between Social Psych and Analytical Geom and Calculus. With no homework persay it leaves me time to maybe check mail and stuff (which is nice cause Tues / Thurs I get up and do the puter thing before my sweetie ^-^ so I miss all his good posties and normally have to wait to try to score some puter time at work or until i get home after dinner and all (and since Thursday is a scout night that can be late)).

Well I had an odd dream the other day, it was rather freaky (did I remember to tell anyone at the time? No, of course not, but it's on my mind since I had it (which is unusual cause normally I forget them) so I guess I'll share it now). Basically in the dream I was there with a bunch of kids (probably around 10 years old maybe a bit younger) and all of them were just acting up. It started out slowly at first, and I was going to nip it in the bud so I said they had to sit down and sit quiet for a few minutes (a basic think time), but when they sat down, they just got worse. I mean horrible, yelling, laughing, insulting, running from the table. It had only seemed like a few kids at first, but as time passed it was if more just appeared and not a one was listening to ANYTHING I had to say to them. I was getting so upset. I mean some even moved to talk to my mother (who was sitting by, but behind a divider or somethin) who just sent it all back to me without really doing anything. I guess it's just reflecting what's going on in my life. I mean I came home and things were a lil hetic at first but I got in school, I took care of the divorce and y'know what, things were going good, so I had a few probs (my math class last semester and getting upset at first with West Civ) but I could handle it no sweat. Then it started to build, dad got sick, q's mom got sick, finals came, was off the diet, and a lot of it I know had to deal with dad. I mean I had so much dumped on me when that happened (and I know it seems like a lot fell on my mom (and lately I've been making her carry it not taking it from her) but she's still not acting right really and I've been picking up slack and pulling weight like crazy). I guess it just reflected how insane my life was. The only problem was at the end of the dream... the kids were still out of control and I was feeling like I do now. Confused, unsure of what to do, pulled in different directions (as they would run off in groups at the same time and I had to decide which to go after first or follow) scared and alone. Now I know I'm not really alone and I have help and support, but it feels like a whole lot has just fallen to me now. It feels like a lot and the decisions that seemed clear before are now so hard to make.

Well I think I've depressed everyone enough for right now. I should post this, check my mail one last time and head to class. (Math - ugh) So until later. Same silly time, same silly channel.
Sillygrrl

2003-01-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well I went to school today (I didn't die, that was good). Then I headed to LaWeightloss and I only went up 7 lbs (and change) which is good since I've been off it since 10/30 til now (even though I still feel like I gained 2 baby beluga whales). Then I went to work which was good, but I'm so tired. Woke up this morning with NO heat. (That was fun to wake up to). I'm stressin about life and my plans and every lil stinkin bit that plays a part in some regards. Worrying too much about things I can't control or do anything about. *closes my eyes* i gotta stop it. i gotta calm down and relax for a while.

sillygrrl

2003-01-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

Well, today isn't good for me I guess. I'm not terribly happy and i'm gonna have to deal with it.... I have to go back to LaWeightloss and see just how much weight i gained back. I feel horrible and fat and and so miserable and so bad. I know I gained weight, probably a lot, and everyone is gonna be so disappointed. And I'm gonna hafta loose it again and I don't know if I can... and I'm scared I won't be able to do it again and I'm not happy cause I don't like bein like this, I wanna be able to shop for smaller stuff and get pretty things and look attractive. I want to feel prettier... I know I'm a nice person, I just want to feel like it outside too... I felt kinda stuffed into the airplane seats, and the buckle had to be all the way open and *sighs* It wasn't fun. Even thogh I felt skinnier gaining whatever weight I did back made me feel horrible! *sighs* just gotta start all over i guess... hopin ppl aren't too disappointed in me...
i wish i wasn't feelin under the weather, it just makes this all the more worse
sillygrrl